Trigo sem Joio (translation: wheat without weeds)

Photo: The Imposter by Rodger Pickett

The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while he was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed also darnel (weeds resembling wheat) among the wheat, and went on his way. So when the plants sprouted and formed grain, the darnel (weeds) appeared also. And the servants of the owner came to him and said, “Sir, did you not sow good seed in your field? Then how does it have darnel shoots in it?” He replied to them, “An enemy has done this.” The servants said to him, “Then do you want us to go and weed them out?” But he said, “No, lest in gathering the wild wheat (weeds resembling wheat), you root up the [true] wheat along with it. Let them grow together until the harvest; and at harvest time I will say to the reapers, Gather the darnel first and bind it in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my granary.” (Amplified Bible)

July 18, 2008 about 6PM in the evening, it lifted. For the first time in three years I didn’t believe it. I can’t really explain it. I know that I was feeling overwhelmed by a sense of fear and guilt and hopelessness as to ever being able to find my way out and I was thinking about how I had written things that might be understood in connection to Steve and that Matt had no understanding of the connection. And I realized that I felt very afraid of telling him, and I had a sense of clarity that it wasn’t good. That I wanted to be open with Matt about what all this was. And I prayed for grace from God. And the lifting came. And for the moment I didn’t believe Matt was going to die anymore, and I didn’t believe that I was inexplicably and unconditionally tied to Steve anymore. I felt free. And I felt a sense of hope that I might be able to remain free. That there might be some redemption in all of this. I feel very fragile. Like I’ve been in a horrible accident—a collision with a MAC truck. I’m alive but badly beaten up and need lots of time to heal.

My mind keeps going back over the last 3 years and trying to make sense of it all and what came from where and who. I cannot yet count God out of it all and I can’t count Satan out either. And I don’t know how much my mind began to live in its own form of truth as a way to make sense of all that I was experiencing. I do not yet have a handle on the difference between what is real and what is true. I will need to be able to acknowledge that there were many things that were very real and yet not necessarily true. I think that will take some time to discern.

It seems that God had his hand in all of this. That He gave me over to Satan for a while. And now that time is up. Perhaps like Nebuchadnezzar who was given a disease or Peter who was given over to Satan for sifting. It seems terribly confusing right now to understand His goodness in the midst of all this. But I believe He has a purpose in it that is good though I do not yet see it clearly.

As hard as it will be to be completely honest about my experiences and my thoughts and feelings and actions in the midst of them, I do believe that it is absolutely necessary in order to become stronger than the voices of guilt, shame, and fear that will threaten me into half-truths. Freedom will only come in the truth. And I know that there is a fullness of grace and redemption that is large enough to cover all my weaknesses and shortcomings and failures. And I know that what I have gone through not many people would not have survived. I know that God has preserved my life, my mind, my marriage, and my family. And I know that He has given me a few dear friends who have remained with me in love throughout this long struggle. I believe there will be redemption.

My Dad said something to me yesterday that I thought was insightful. He said one of the most precious things we have is our testimony--our witness. He’s right. The one thing I have to offer the world that is unique is my story—the story of how God has saved me, continues to save me, and will keep saving me. And its power lies not in how great the difficulties in my journey but in how great His power is to save.

This parable from Matthew 13 has come to mean a lot to me over the last few days, and seems to speak of my journey. So I decided to keep it as the name of this blog. My prayer is that over these next weeks and months that God would help me to gather up the weeds and burn them, so that I may have a harvest of wheat. The story in the passage is that when the harvest is ready, it is the farmer and his servants who come and take the darnel from the wheat. It is only when both the wheat and the weed are ripe that they can tell the difference. This is a great relief to me because I don’t think I could do it on my own. But I believe that God and His servants can help me to sort through it all. I will need great grace and great courage. Because I have a story. I have a testimony of what I experienced, and I trust what I cannot now see, that I will have a witness someday of how it will give God glory.