"fragile but whole"So last night I realized something else. How much the bottom has dropped out of my intimacy with God. It's hard to explain. I know He is near. I believe Him and even all the unusualness of the journey, I don't struggle with doubt nearly as much as I used to. And its not rebellion. I'm not walking in disobedience.
But its the very core of my spiritual connection with Him. And I haven't had it for months. I have Him. And He speaks. But I still haven't been able to get past that huge numbness in my soul, the huge pain, the great void I feel after all that I was stripped of when I felt abandoned. It's not that I'm not willing. I just don't feel like it's in my power to heal myself.
And I think that is true. But I can trust and move toward God enough to allow Him to rebuild our bond, and entrust myself to Him again for healing, and to enter into a loving reciprocity that is the basis for all that He calls me to.
And I hope now I'm ready. It reminds me of a Deep Calls post I'd like to dig up. Not sure where I'll post it, but maybe I'll find it soon and tack it onto the end of this.
By the way, have you ever noticed how sand dollars look like Fleur de Lis?
2 comments:
Becky - I know the place you are in right now. Sometimes, I am there too. It is like you are stuck in the mud. You want to move, to feel something but you don't. Just the mud all around you.
At least - that is how I see it and have experienced it.
Love you. May not be able to do the Sunday night thing as I am pondering going up to my Mom's now. It is her birthday on the 26th and I would like to go see her. We shall see what the weather does.
Thanks, Carol. I just saw this comment now. It's good to know somebody knows. You know?
B
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