An Awakening

My Friends,

I wrote this description out in February 08. The days events actually took place in late July or early August of 05. I thought I would share it with you, though I believe most of you have heard this story before. (So you all know, the only people who have access to this blog are Lauren, Danelle, Jean, Carol, Ted, Matt, and myself--and I'd appreciate this info. staying here.)

The picture below is one I took a few months ago, and has nothing to do with the below post...except this. I walked by the bush this flower was on a few days ago and there were no more blossoms. It was hard to imagine they had ever been there by looking at it. Just green leaves. Sometimes there is little evidence of things that were--even though it is likely they will be again. But even when those things are blooming right in front of us, it takes the light from above to awaken us to their beauty. And that is what this picture--and this post--is about.

Yesterday I was getting pink and red construction paper out of the basement so the girls could work on their valentines, and I lifted up a pile of supplies and right underneath was a huge black spider about 2 inches in diameter. I tensed up and moved back, but I wasn’t at frightened of it as I would have been a couple years ago. I guess you could say I’ve had some time to get used to them.
The end of summer was drawing near. The hydrangeas were blooming and the sunflowers were just packing it up for the season in our back yard. It was a day of grieving for me. Earlier that week the Lord had revealed to me that I wasn’t supposed to go back to seminary the next year. I was truly grieving the loss. I didn’t know why, but I very clearly knew He said no. But that’s a story for another day. All day the Lord had been giving me very specific and clear direction about things. Like eating. And in an odd way it was like He was leading me to eat all of my favorite foods. I would know that I was supposed to go and do something, and then He would make a way for it to happen. Earlier that day we were getting a nail out of our tire, and the Lord impressed upon me that I was supposed to go out to lunch with Matt. And I knew where. We went to TJ Rockwells—after arranging a babysitter at the last minute. And I ordered chicken quesadillas. But my eating was strangely regulated. At that time I was probably the heaviest I had been without the excuse of baby weight. Seminary had encouraged me into nervous eating and I was consistently eating more than I needed to and would eat past hunger all the time. But without even really understanding what was happening at the time, I lost the desire to overeat, and it felt like God was directing me to eat all my favorite foods, but a small portion, and then I would feel very satisfied.
Well that evening we had planned to have Jean and Dave and Aaron over for a steak dinner. And I had this very clear sense that I was not to have steak. Only vegetables. Now, you need to know that I love steak—especially Brazilian churrasco. So I felt a little strange about not eating it with my guests, and that it might be weird to have to answer questions about it. But I wanted to follow the Lord’s leading.
Jean and Dave were over, the boys were grilling on the deck and Jean and I were making last minute preparations inside. I was setting the table and thought that I might go out and cut some of the flowers growing in our back yard to put on the table. As I grabbed the kitchen scissors and headed out back, the Lord spoke very clearly into my head. He said, “Only the white ones.”
Now at the time, I was really unsure about all of these leadings. I had never experienced the Lord’s continuous presence, and though it was very wonderful, like walking in a warm cloud, I was very leary of it all. I could tangibly remember only one other time that the Lord had spoken to me like that, and even though it had proved to be true, I was very suspicious. I was concerned that my own thoughts were getting in the way, and I was just imagining things. So I thought to myself, "That is ridiculous. There is absolutely no good reason I can’t have sunflowers too." So I made my way over to the white flowers and cut off two bunches of them. And then I thought—"I’m gonna fight this—prove it to be nonsense." So I went over to the other side of the deck, where Matt’s sunflowers were. Matt had been growing a couple of really beautiful sunflowers the past couple of years. They were burgundy and golden—very unique. Only two of them were still in really good shape, so I reached out to cut off one at the stem, and I noticed something dark and balled up on it, it looked like a dead leaf from a quick glance. As I touched it with my scissors to flick it off it uncurled itself and I saw it was a big spider, about two inches in diameter. I panicked momentarily, and then steadied myself. That was just a coincidence, I reassured myself. I reached for the second sunflower, and went to clean off a white substance on the center of the flower, it looked a bit like an abandoned cocoon, and I didn’t think much of it, until as I touched it with my scissors it uncurled and I saw it was a large white spider—as big as the black one. I gasped and at this point was really freaked out. Dave looked at me from the deck and said, “Hey Becky, those bees near you are starting to swarm, you might want to get out of there.” I lost no time. I waved the white flag immediately and decided white was just right for flowers on my table for that evening.
So we gathered around the table for my steakless dinner. I had an assortment of veggies that I put in an aluminum foil pack on the grill and as we ate I felt amazingly satisfied just with the vegetables. I felt the Lord saying to me that I could have chocolate and wine for dessert. Now it just so happened that a friend of mine had given me some dark chocolate truffles that I hadn’t opened, so I offered the other kinds of chocolates to my guests and indulged on the truffles and sweet wine. And it truly felt like the Lord was giving me a special treat.
It was getting close to the girls bedtime, and I wanted to put their jammies on so that we could play Rook after dinner as was our usual habit. I was upstairs with them, and in the midst of my busy activities, the Lord spoke once again into my mind. He said, “I’m going to help you to win at cards tonight.” Now at this point I just got mad. That is stupid, I said half to “God” and half to myself. "What’s the point of playing cards if You’re going to tell me how to win?? That’s cheating!!" My new strategy was to turn my back on the whole thing. It was all just too weird for me.
So I went downstairs, and the four of us sat down to play Rook. The first couple of hands were completely unnoteworthy. People who had good cards won, people who had bad cards lost—the way it usually goes. Then we had this one hand where I had a pretty bad hand, nothing I could bid on. And I felt this strong sense that I was supposed to take the bid. But I had nothing. So I resisted it, and didn’t bid high on it, and someone else took it. And I had this clear sense that I had disappointed God. Like He was letting me know, “You didn’t trust me.” So another hand came along and this time my hand was awful. And the sense that I was supposed to take the hand was incredibly strong. And I was so frustrated with it all that I thought, "Sorry Jean, but I’m gonna take us down just to prove that this is all ridiculous." So I started to bid on my hand. I didn’t even have a 14 or a 1 in the only color I could even think of bidding--green. And I had no other 1’s. Now it gets even better. Matt, who would never bid high, decides that he is going to bid on this hand. So he starts bidding me up. And it starts to get really high—like 150’s--and I’m like, "God, this is ridiculous, there is no way I can take this hand without the 1 and 14 green." And He clearly said to me, “The 1 and 14 green are in the kitty.” Now you gotta understand, I’m am completely feeling like I’m in the twilight zone right now. As if any minute I’m gonna wake up and realize I’m dreaming. So Matt keeps bidding me up. It gets to 175. I have an uncovered 14 black, and I’m looking at my cards, and I say, Lord, even if the 1,14 green are in the kitty, and I can short suit myself, there is no way I can win without the 1 black. And He says to me, “Jean (my partner), has the 1 black.” So I took the 180 bid with nothing in my hand. I took hold of the kitty and sure enough, there were the 1 and 14 green. Aaron was in the other room. So I called him over, while the cards were still in their separate piles on the table, and in front of the other 3 players I said, “Aaron, I want you to be my witness.” And I said, "Look at which cards are in my hand, and look at the cards in the kitty. Remember them." So I played the hand out, bled trump, and sure enough, when I laid out my 14 black, Jean played the one black. We took took it as a 180 hand.
So I took a deep breath, gathered my courage, and I told them the story—the flowers, the spiders, the cards. And what could they say—they were kind of a part of the story. They were witnesses to the outward events, which were certainly out of the ordinary, but I was the only one who heard God speaking.
We spent some time in prayer after that for Dave’s brother, who had been in an accident. And I remember feeling that it there was a closeness between the four of us that I hadn’t felt before. It was like the sweet presence of the Spirit.
I remember feeling really messed up. Like everything was not like I was used to, and in some ways it was very exciting and amazing, and in other ways it was very disconcerting, even scary…like I wasn’t in control of what was happening, and I wasn’t sure I could trust it. But I knew that no matter how insecure I felt, I desperately wanted to follow God.
It was later, on this night, that the Lord spoke to me—"You shall have a son and his name will be Daniel."