Pride comes before the fall

fall pride
photo by bgrace

It was one of those days that felt heavily laced with pain. They come and go. But every once in a while I have a day that is so full of pain I become paralyzed. So last Sunday when Matt and the girls went to church, I curled up on my bed, which lately has been my "prayer rug," and laid before the Lord. I couldn't identify my feelings. I couldn't even pinpoint where my pain was coming from exactly. It felt like there was a huge barrier between me and God. And I realized the barrier was coming from me--not Him. Like I'd locked myself in the deepest most inner cavern of my soul to protect myself from God because He crossed the line. So I prayed.

God, I'm going to need you to walk into my spirit with me and help me to understand what is going on in there. I need you to give me the ability to discern what is going on in my heart. Help me to understand what I'm feeling, and what is driving it. Where is this pain coming from and why is it between us? How can I find healing?

I have prayed this kind of prayer in the past at times. And I believe that most often, though not always, He helps me to come to clarity--sometimes stunning clarity--when before I didn't have a clue. And on this Sunday He didn't disappoint me.

I realized that I had been blindsided by God...intentionally. And I wasn't ok with that.

He showed me some things, but let me walk blindly in others. He let me believe certain things about what He said when He meant them differently. He's taken away so many things I can't even begin to list them. And I realized that I wasn't ok with that. That I have every reason to be upset with Him. That I was walked into something that would cause me to feel great pain and disappointment and shame on purpose by God and I was still being asked to keep going. And I didn't think that was ok. He had purposely uprooted everything in me that trusted Him and believed Him and hoped and desired and loved and obeyed. And He did it on purpose.

I wasn't ok with that.

And it all hurt like hell.

Notice the I all the way through this? Its been pretty much the common denominator in my pain.

And that is when I realized that the root of what I was feeling was pride.

God, You had no right to do to me what you did. You had no right to blindside me. And you had no right to allow me to feel completely betrayed, abandoned, and violenced by you.

You had no right to leave me in that place.

And I realized for the first time my coming to that acknowledgement was exactly what God had intended all along. I was completely uprooted by God when He did this because I had expectations of God. I had boundaries that it wasn't ok for God to cross. I had limits that in my mind were (and still are) perfectly reasonable to expect Him to comply with. I was giving up everything I could willingly give up from my perspective. So how could He ask that I give up even more?

I can't tell you why, because I don't know exactly. I just believe that it is a necessary part of the work He is doing in my soul.

He took me to the length of feeling completely played by His hand, and what was important was what happened inside of me at that point. What would I do? In the face of His seeming betrayal? Would I rebel when I thought I was forsaken? Would I go into denial?

What I did was actually come very close to a complete breakdown. Why? Because I could not reconcile what I could see with what God had revealed to me. And the Word of the Lord stands firm, NOTHING moves it. And it was the profoundly wise words of Ted that kept me from falling apart.

"You don't have enough information to understand what is going on yet. And God is not ready to show you."

And I've sought the Lord and He has spoken to me and helped me to continue to walk without complete understanding...and I realize that I must accept that this is His way. But I may never understand why.

It all comes down to being yielded and saying yes, I accept the pain. I accept that You blindsided me. I accept the confusion. I accept the loss. I accept because I have to trust that you intend it all for good--whether those through which it came did or not. That you will redeem it, that you have a purpose it in. That you won't waste my pain. That somehow someway you will be faithful to Your Words.

I'm not through it yet, but I know the path now. I know that He has caused such a devastation in my soul that HE will have to rebuild me. And I'm guessing that was His intention all along.

My part is the yielding--to accept what comes from His hand whether joy or pain and to keep moving towards Him and hoping that the closer I get the more I will reflect His work in me.

Job 19:25-27

25 For I know that my Redeemer and Vindicator lives, and at last He [the Last One] will stand upon the earth.
26 And after my skin, even this body, has been destroyed, then from my flesh or without it I shall see God,
27 Whom I, even I, shall see for myself and on my side! And my eyes shall behold Him, and not as a stranger! My heart pines away and is consumed within me.
Amplified Bible