Holding God At Bay

Red Rising

Photo by bgrace

Like I mentioned before...I put God on time out. (As if...) It's my way of saying..."I don't trust You or my understanding of You right now, so I need some time...so I'm not initiating any interaction, and when I think You are speaking to me I'm holding You at bay.

It's not like I am rebelling. It's my way of being still...

I'm waiting for Him to show me that He's been telling me the truth all along...or He hasn't been.

Yeah, I know that isn't really nicely packaged. Because deep down all it feels like is that God is a liar. And obviously that's not true...but I believe that God has been speaking, and yet it doesn't seem that His Words are true...

I know...obviously I'm the one with the problem...or maybe not. Maybe there is another piece to the story I can't see yet.

So for now, while I try and enter into the present, I'm ignoring Him. Or at least about understanding my life...except for about 5 minutes this afternoon.

I laid down to take a nap and opened up to Titus 2 ...

"which the ever truthful God Who cannot deceive promised..."

And I thought, "What do you want me to believe? If I believe all this I'm going to lose my mind because it's NOT happening and if I don't I feel like I'm not walking with You. I can't do this any more. What more do You want from me? I have done everything You asked, and for all the reasons I'm supposed to. I'm not in this place because I've done something wrong." And as that last thought settled in my heart I knew deeply that was true. And you know what? It only made me feel worse. What's the point in doing all the hard stuff if it only brings pain and destruction? And so I cried. It's the first time in weeks. I used to cry for hours a day, but now it seems like the wells have dried up. I shed a few tears, and then I slept for a few minutes.

And then I put God back on time out.

And then I deep fried 15 pounds of breaded chicken breasts...a good way to keep Him at bay.