I'm trying to learn from Chester. He's all about rest. He can just sit on the patio and watch the fields behind the Johnson's house for hours at a time. He's interested in what's going on around him in a detached sort of way. He naps at will. His eyes open when his curiosity is roused but nothing seems to disturb his relaxed mood. (Except once yesterday when I opened a can of tuna and then he seemed a bit excited.) This morning I happened upon Psalm 131:
LORD, MY heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty;
neither do I exercise myself in matters too great or in things too wonderful for me.
Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul;
Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me [ceased from fretting].
O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever.
O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever.
It sounded like a great plan for the day. Matt and Ted went golfing. Nancy is at work. They offered me a car so I could do whatever I wanted, but I knew today was the day I needed to just listen...meditate...think...write...pray...hope for clarity. I told them it would be my zen day.
But every time I sit still I can't stand to sit still. Rest seems far from me.
So this morning I called everyone I could think of.
And then I sat still.
And then I asked Matt to come and sit and talk with me.
And then I tried hard to sit still.
So then I thought maybe I would take some pictures of the garden.
Beautiful still pictures.
Then everybody left. That's why I'm sitting here writing about trying to be still. It gives me something to do. The thing is...rest may start with the body, but in its deepest reality it is a state of the mind and of the heart. And mine are not at rest in the quiet. In the quiet I hear the deafening irreconcilabilities and questions. In the quiet I find the loudest unrest. God, I don't have answers.
Only You can give me those, and I have no assurance that You will.
I don't have peace that surpasses understanding.
Only You can grant me that.
But I have time and I have a quiet place to sit.
And Your presence is here in the midst of my questions and unrest.
So please give me what I need.
I don't even know what that looks like right now.
But I trust that You do.
And I hope that You will.
3 comments:
Becky, I am trusting, hoping and praying with you.
Becky,
I do hope that you found some rest and quiet for your soul. I know this feeling. I am only starting to find that place. Each time I find it slowly creeping away, I pray for God to grant it to me once again. Sometimes, it is a moment by moment thing.
I will be anxious to get together and have you share your journey.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Carol
So did you rest? focus? feel worthy of any relaxation or guilt-free you-time at all??? Not me. I just keep on keeping on. One of these days, right? Well, I hope (and pray, a little) that the end of your week was as helpful and restorative as the first half. I'm so glad you were able to get away...
p.s. WAY TO GO Jean for taking care of the girls so much this week. I'm totally impressed. I can barely keep up with one :)
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